Lacking

Yep, so I missed my Day 10 entry on Saturday because I woke up and was pretty much out the whole day, preparing for my band's gig that night at Underground 56. It was overall a different show, to be honest. I can't compare it to our last gig because it's a different experience really.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. As the title suggests, my mind is thinking of the term "lacking". It's such a weird word to me because it gives you the impression that someone is at fault for something being missing. But in fact, when you lack something, it could be due to so many things. For example, right now, it's like 6:30am, yet I lack the ability to actually just sleep because for some reason, I just can't sleep even though I'm honestly mentally dying every second. I guess too many things on my mind that I just can't put to sleep, making me want to do them all, which brings me to what I really mean by lacking...

Have you ever had the time when you realized you had the heart to do something but your body just couldn't cope? Like you want to keep going, but you just can't seem to push it any more. It's not like I'm saying I want to do the 100m sprint in 1 second, but more like if you could do it in say 13 seconds, now you want to do it in 13 seconds, you got the heart and concentration to do it, yet your body just can't cope. I guess right now it's like my mind is still powered up and my body needs to stop so there's a mis-match between my two worlds and I'm struggling in between trying to keep things in sync. For all of you who've been keeping up with my posts, you'll know I often talk about things like "moving parts" and "variables" in my life that are the hardest to take care of and manage/control. Right now it's like I have a big moving part that is my heart but the object that they run is stuck. There's so much I still want to do before I call it quits today but I know I can't do it, and even if I do it, it'll be more like me abusing myself more than getting the job done.

Anyways, so today was quite a long hard day. Last night, after the gig, my band (excluding the bassist because he had work the next morning) stayed back to have a long talk about our feelings and thoughts towards music. Finally ol' vocalist went home as well and it was me + guitarist + another good friend of our band just hanging out till the sun came out, talking, talking and talking some more, sharing our thoughts, goals, challenges and growing processes when it comes to music. It was 2 guitarist and me, a drummer, chatting, but we all really could communicate because in the end, music is music. It was really good because it was like 3 guys really pouring our passions out and seeing how we can encourage each other and push each other. Maybe the "encouragement" hasn't faded away yet which is why I'm here all pumped to strive harder. Speaking of music, I'm listening to Moby's In My Heart. Quite a good song, quite emotional as well. I'd love to be blasting away with metal, but experience tells me if I do that, I'm only going to aggravate my excitement and sleep will be even more difficult for me.

So yes, I'm lacking. I'm finding my expectations towards myself are growing continuously to the point I need to calm the heck down for a bit because I'm starting to go over board. It's weird, it's like there's an internal argument inside me where one side is saying only through the painful push can one grow, the other side says it's no longer a push, but an abuse of how far I can push myself. Like it's very difficult to realize when you're over-doing it. They say listen to your body, I can understand that when it comes to the gym of when I am practicing at my drums. Like I will know when I've hit a certain stage of fatigue that my concentration and body are worn out and I might as well cool down then stop. But what I find hard is to know when not to even do anything. Like there are days when you're body says "I don't want to go to the gym".... but is it really your body? Your concentration power? Or just laziness?

Perhaps this is where I'm training my ear to listen to it correctly. One of the books I read before had talked about where ideas came from and they said ideas are everywhere, it's a matter of training yourself to recognize one when you come across it, so it's really the same thing, now I need to train myself to recognize the difference between needing rest vs. being lazy. I'm not 100% there, but at least I know when it comes to say my drumming and working out, I've built a strong habit because I've got goals I know and understand how to achieve so I've worked out the path towards them. Whether or not the time frame involved matches what I predicted is another matter, but if it takes more time than I thought, that's fine, the point is, I'm confident the direction I'm going is correct :). Again, for those of you who've read some previous posts, you'll know I talked about how one of my biggest fears is investing in myself in the direction and then finding out later that the direction was wrong and my investment turned sour.

I suppose today's Day 10 topic really is a matter of realizing the difference between the pains of struggling vs. the pains of growing. Like when you're drowning, you start to struggle to come back up for air. Sure, that's not the best way to learn how to swim, but it's still one way. But it's a matter of realizing that perhaps if you find yourself drowning, maybe learning how to swim up might not be the best solution, you may want to take a different approach and perhaps think about why the hell you're drowning so much in the first place. Maybe it's because there's a big rock attached to your foot? Maybe it's because you should really be in the shallow end for a bit more? I've found for me, maybe because my expectations towards myself are growing faster than I can keep up, I feel a bit frustrated at times because it feels like I can't keep up to the level I believe I should be at, and often I neglect the level I already am at for the level I feel I should be at. And the main issue is, I'm putting myself through an intensive "boot camp" sort of deal, but maybe that's not the best way for me to grow? Maybe I'll grow more if I didn't throw myself into the deep end so much? Who knows, but I'm sure to take an extra moment to think about this.

Alright. I actually feel tired and calmer now. So, goodnight and have a great week :)