12 April 2008

Controlled Rage

I've always wondered if rage is really such a bad thing. I mean think about it, a lot of people have managed to push themselves that extra bit further only when they made that angry face followed by the crazy growl. At that moment, aren't they at a point of frustration and faith where they know they can do it, but for some reason they just can't seem to do it, thus forcing them to squeeze their face and cry out?

People who've kept up with my blog will know one of my all-time favorite phrases in life is "Turn rage into fuel". This is something that has stuck with me for years and years and even more years. In many ways it fits in well with my passion for metal music because everytime I plug my ears with my favorite but extremely angry tunes, I'm at peace. Well not really, I'm more like in a state of controlled rage where I'm angry but in total command of my feelings. Like I was on the train today, and I was empowered with energy to the point I was imagining myself lifting a whole mountain or running from one end of the planet to the other. As much as we all know that's not going to happen anytime soon, I had the faith I could do it, all because I was so fueled up by the music that got me in a state of "I CAN DO IT!". Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the state sometimes you go through where you're just trying to put on a positive confident image for yourself, I'm talking about the moment when you feel like you should be able to do it (eventually) so you start thinking of what it is stopping yourself from accomplishing that. For example, with my drumming, I've seen tonnes of great drummers do things I could only imagine but sometimes, while watching videos of these great players, my mind starts trying to bridge the gap between me and them and tries to figure out what it is I need to do to get to that level. Of course experience and time are factors but correctly gaining experience and spending your time helps make sure you're on the right path to the future your dream of. At least you'll get there earlier :).

The same goes for my stand-up comedy. There's a lot I know I can do in that area and I do push myself into risky territory at many of my shows where I try to play with the audience. That, I have to say, is a very, very risky move, especially for an amateur like myself, but heck, if I don't make that move now, I never will. The worst that could happen is I end up being outwitted by the audience. So what? Oddly that's another thing I have ingrained in my head. "So what" alongside "Why not". So what comes from the song of the same title I heard played by Metallica when I was much younger (this is like before I even dreamed of being a musician or anything, all I dreamed of was not failing my exams). So seriously, so what? SO WHAT? I mean, I do what I do and if it doesn't work out, so what? I harm no one really, the only person suffering in any way is myself but it's one of those no pain no gain experiences, much like how only if you tear muscle fibers from working out will you gain muscle mass. It's a funny reality that we live in where the person who has the most comfortable life actually is in many ways the weakest. The person who goes through hell everyday ends up being the fittest. Of course, I've said this time and time again, rest is uber-important but I'm talking about the time we're not resting. The person who wakes up, goes to work, comes home and rests may feel rejuvenated the next day mentally, but they may feel exhausted spiritually because they lack the sense of self-development and accomplishment. Personally, I'd hate to feel like I got nothing done. Sure there are times when I'm burnt out to the bone and I just can't get any work done but other than that, I need to feel like I got stuff done, like I've grown.

I actually haven't had a good night's sleep in the last few days, I can feel the exhaustion creeping up on me tonight, like I was writing and suddenly I blanked out and then came back and thought "Oh? What was I saying?". Anyways, I just thought I'd share my thoughts on and how it's good (and bad) for me. In many ways, it energizes me like caffeine can give someone that boost they need, but often I've found the crash afterwards sucks. I mean, unlike caffeine where you're exhausted, with this emotion, it's like you're too tired to stay energized but you are. Like you're mind is still pumped but your body has called it quits. That's the worst feeling because I found myself in bed, lying there, trying to sleep but could do nothing other than "wait".....sucks.

So yes, I suppose a controlled dosage of controlled rage is what I need to control every day. Control, don't we all lack that most of the time? :P



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to "nevermind" = "mou sor wai"? ;P

Body not keeping up with mind? I totally understand you.

Anyway, keep your mojos and take it easy, k? :D ~M~

13 April, 2008 07:54  
Blogger Vivek Mahbubani said...

Ahaha yea, I need my relaxation mojo back on track, seems like my workaholic mojo has taken over completely lately :P...

Ahh well the start a new week. Here we go!

14 April, 2008 04:54  

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