18 April 2008

Pure Hatred

Listening to Chimaira's song Pure Hatred right now. Fit's my mood.
It has one phrase that I love and that is "I hate everyone" because and seeing as this should be a Day 10 entry and I'm already, super, duper late for it because of excess work (like really really excess work), I thought I'd shed one piece of wisdom: Sometimes, when people disappoint you, it makes you realize your own value so you stop taking yourself for granted and say you know what? Like or hate me, I will love myself first.

Sure it sounds negative, but correct me if I'm wrong, everytime people push me into the gutter, I work even harder to climb out so I can walk up to them and say "Sorry, you failed........again". Right now I'm off to bed, dead tired..... sigh


12 April 2008

Controlled Rage

I've always wondered if rage is really such a bad thing. I mean think about it, a lot of people have managed to push themselves that extra bit further only when they made that angry face followed by the crazy growl. At that moment, aren't they at a point of frustration and faith where they know they can do it, but for some reason they just can't seem to do it, thus forcing them to squeeze their face and cry out?

People who've kept up with my blog will know one of my all-time favorite phrases in life is "Turn rage into fuel". This is something that has stuck with me for years and years and even more years. In many ways it fits in well with my passion for metal music because everytime I plug my ears with my favorite but extremely angry tunes, I'm at peace. Well not really, I'm more like in a state of controlled rage where I'm angry but in total command of my feelings. Like I was on the train today, and I was empowered with energy to the point I was imagining myself lifting a whole mountain or running from one end of the planet to the other. As much as we all know that's not going to happen anytime soon, I had the faith I could do it, all because I was so fueled up by the music that got me in a state of "I CAN DO IT!". Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the state sometimes you go through where you're just trying to put on a positive confident image for yourself, I'm talking about the moment when you feel like you should be able to do it (eventually) so you start thinking of what it is stopping yourself from accomplishing that. For example, with my drumming, I've seen tonnes of great drummers do things I could only imagine but sometimes, while watching videos of these great players, my mind starts trying to bridge the gap between me and them and tries to figure out what it is I need to do to get to that level. Of course experience and time are factors but correctly gaining experience and spending your time helps make sure you're on the right path to the future your dream of. At least you'll get there earlier :).

The same goes for my stand-up comedy. There's a lot I know I can do in that area and I do push myself into risky territory at many of my shows where I try to play with the audience. That, I have to say, is a very, very risky move, especially for an amateur like myself, but heck, if I don't make that move now, I never will. The worst that could happen is I end up being outwitted by the audience. So what? Oddly that's another thing I have ingrained in my head. "So what" alongside "Why not". So what comes from the song of the same title I heard played by Metallica when I was much younger (this is like before I even dreamed of being a musician or anything, all I dreamed of was not failing my exams). So seriously, so what? SO WHAT? I mean, I do what I do and if it doesn't work out, so what? I harm no one really, the only person suffering in any way is myself but it's one of those no pain no gain experiences, much like how only if you tear muscle fibers from working out will you gain muscle mass. It's a funny reality that we live in where the person who has the most comfortable life actually is in many ways the weakest. The person who goes through hell everyday ends up being the fittest. Of course, I've said this time and time again, rest is uber-important but I'm talking about the time we're not resting. The person who wakes up, goes to work, comes home and rests may feel rejuvenated the next day mentally, but they may feel exhausted spiritually because they lack the sense of self-development and accomplishment. Personally, I'd hate to feel like I got nothing done. Sure there are times when I'm burnt out to the bone and I just can't get any work done but other than that, I need to feel like I got stuff done, like I've grown.

I actually haven't had a good night's sleep in the last few days, I can feel the exhaustion creeping up on me tonight, like I was writing and suddenly I blanked out and then came back and thought "Oh? What was I saying?". Anyways, I just thought I'd share my thoughts on and how it's good (and bad) for me. In many ways, it energizes me like caffeine can give someone that boost they need, but often I've found the crash afterwards sucks. I mean, unlike caffeine where you're exhausted, with this emotion, it's like you're too tired to stay energized but you are. Like you're mind is still pumped but your body has called it quits. That's the worst feeling because I found myself in bed, lying there, trying to sleep but could do nothing other than "wait".....sucks.

So yes, I suppose a controlled dosage of controlled rage is what I need to control every day. Control, don't we all lack that most of the time? :P


07 April 2008


Yep, so I missed my Day 10 entry on Saturday because I woke up and was pretty much out the whole day, preparing for my band's gig that night at Underground 56. It was overall a different show, to be honest. I can't compare it to our last gig because it's a different experience really.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. As the title suggests, my mind is thinking of the term "lacking". It's such a weird word to me because it gives you the impression that someone is at fault for something being missing. But in fact, when you lack something, it could be due to so many things. For example, right now, it's like 6:30am, yet I lack the ability to actually just sleep because for some reason, I just can't sleep even though I'm honestly mentally dying every second. I guess too many things on my mind that I just can't put to sleep, making me want to do them all, which brings me to what I really mean by lacking...

Have you ever had the time when you realized you had the heart to do something but your body just couldn't cope? Like you want to keep going, but you just can't seem to push it any more. It's not like I'm saying I want to do the 100m sprint in 1 second, but more like if you could do it in say 13 seconds, now you want to do it in 13 seconds, you got the heart and concentration to do it, yet your body just can't cope. I guess right now it's like my mind is still powered up and my body needs to stop so there's a mis-match between my two worlds and I'm struggling in between trying to keep things in sync. For all of you who've been keeping up with my posts, you'll know I often talk about things like "moving parts" and "variables" in my life that are the hardest to take care of and manage/control. Right now it's like I have a big moving part that is my heart but the object that they run is stuck. There's so much I still want to do before I call it quits today but I know I can't do it, and even if I do it, it'll be more like me abusing myself more than getting the job done.

Anyways, so today was quite a long hard day. Last night, after the gig, my band (excluding the bassist because he had work the next morning) stayed back to have a long talk about our feelings and thoughts towards music. Finally ol' vocalist went home as well and it was me + guitarist + another good friend of our band just hanging out till the sun came out, talking, talking and talking some more, sharing our thoughts, goals, challenges and growing processes when it comes to music. It was 2 guitarist and me, a drummer, chatting, but we all really could communicate because in the end, music is music. It was really good because it was like 3 guys really pouring our passions out and seeing how we can encourage each other and push each other. Maybe the "encouragement" hasn't faded away yet which is why I'm here all pumped to strive harder. Speaking of music, I'm listening to Moby's In My Heart. Quite a good song, quite emotional as well. I'd love to be blasting away with metal, but experience tells me if I do that, I'm only going to aggravate my excitement and sleep will be even more difficult for me.

So yes, I'm lacking. I'm finding my expectations towards myself are growing continuously to the point I need to calm the heck down for a bit because I'm starting to go over board. It's weird, it's like there's an internal argument inside me where one side is saying only through the painful push can one grow, the other side says it's no longer a push, but an abuse of how far I can push myself. Like it's very difficult to realize when you're over-doing it. They say listen to your body, I can understand that when it comes to the gym of when I am practicing at my drums. Like I will know when I've hit a certain stage of fatigue that my concentration and body are worn out and I might as well cool down then stop. But what I find hard is to know when not to even do anything. Like there are days when you're body says "I don't want to go to the gym".... but is it really your body? Your concentration power? Or just laziness?

Perhaps this is where I'm training my ear to listen to it correctly. One of the books I read before had talked about where ideas came from and they said ideas are everywhere, it's a matter of training yourself to recognize one when you come across it, so it's really the same thing, now I need to train myself to recognize the difference between needing rest vs. being lazy. I'm not 100% there, but at least I know when it comes to say my drumming and working out, I've built a strong habit because I've got goals I know and understand how to achieve so I've worked out the path towards them. Whether or not the time frame involved matches what I predicted is another matter, but if it takes more time than I thought, that's fine, the point is, I'm confident the direction I'm going is correct :). Again, for those of you who've read some previous posts, you'll know I talked about how one of my biggest fears is investing in myself in the direction and then finding out later that the direction was wrong and my investment turned sour.

I suppose today's Day 10 topic really is a matter of realizing the difference between the pains of struggling vs. the pains of growing. Like when you're drowning, you start to struggle to come back up for air. Sure, that's not the best way to learn how to swim, but it's still one way. But it's a matter of realizing that perhaps if you find yourself drowning, maybe learning how to swim up might not be the best solution, you may want to take a different approach and perhaps think about why the hell you're drowning so much in the first place. Maybe it's because there's a big rock attached to your foot? Maybe it's because you should really be in the shallow end for a bit more? I've found for me, maybe because my expectations towards myself are growing faster than I can keep up, I feel a bit frustrated at times because it feels like I can't keep up to the level I believe I should be at, and often I neglect the level I already am at for the level I feel I should be at. And the main issue is, I'm putting myself through an intensive "boot camp" sort of deal, but maybe that's not the best way for me to grow? Maybe I'll grow more if I didn't throw myself into the deep end so much? Who knows, but I'm sure to take an extra moment to think about this.

Alright. I actually feel tired and calmer now. So, goodnight and have a great week :)


02 April 2008

April's Fools? Not in my case

Nope, today was no joke.
It may be 1st of April but today started off with a serious note and so far I haven't had much to laugh about.

Well not completely nothing. I had my comedy gig for Youth Executives Group today so it was like, wake up, get ready, go be funny. Ahaha. It was quite an interesting gig because it was 99.9% Indians in the crowd so I think some of my more local (Hong Kong) jokes didn't work out too well but I did manage to sneak in a bit of crowd interaction even though I was standing behind a podium talking to a room full of executives probably twice my age. Woah, now it's actually registering! I actually gave a "talk" to all these people! Me, a 25 year old kid who was wearing a t-shirt, jeans and my lovely blazer was talking in front of a podium for like 15 minutes to a room full of high-level executives that ranged from bankers to lawyers! Woah :P

Then I got home and finished off one of my projects, so it felt good putting a big tick on my to-do list after that :) Just waiting client approval and I'm good to go!

I must say, I've really found my "work groove" lately, like I still find myself having a tough time trying to get myself to get down and do some of the most boring projects but at least I get into that work mentality by lighting my room and setting the mood correct. Buddha Bar music + good lighting = work mentality for me!

So here I am, late at night, once again working out all my projects. I really can feel a bit of a wear and tear on my concentration because I just finished sorting through a lot of data and organizing it. Woah, organizing data is really no joke! It's like what one of the books I read said, there's data, information and then there's knowledge. Data is everywhere but you need to organize it so it's turned into information and then assimilate it so it turns into knowledge. But that process is really one heck of a brain trip!

Anyways, just thought I'd share with you all out there what's going on. Today's been a good day and tomorrow should be nice as well. No serious meetings scheduled so at least I know I can get some work done :)

Speaking of which, back to work!